No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
