So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
