So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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