Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
