Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
