he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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