fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
