Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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