he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
