And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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