Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
