Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
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Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
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When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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