my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
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2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
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Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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