just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
