btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
