my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
