I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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