when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
