So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i can't believe i had my finger in that
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
