I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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