I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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