all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
