Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
