I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
