the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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