I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
