I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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