Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I got inside last night via doggy door
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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