Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
