you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
