Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
