How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
