I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
