im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
