i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
