He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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