i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
