I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
