Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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