No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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