i used baking grease as lip gloss
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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