I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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