I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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