Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
