If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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