Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
