If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
