I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
