We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
