I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
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You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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