you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
