Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
