i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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