Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
