Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
