part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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