get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Found your dick twin last night
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
