You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
