Swine flu. Run for my life!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
