that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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