either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The Olympian is in my bed
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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